I Don't Love Her
by fruitloopsarejustgaycheerios
Summary: A deeper look into the thoughts of Santana Lopez, including her interactions with other Glee members. Revolves around her denial of the love between herself and Brittany.
1. Sam

I don't love her. She keeps repeating the words in her head until it becomes a song, a sad tune filled with a ringing jealousy and masked love, but more than that it's filled with a deeper truth, one that she has been denying since freshman year; all she can do is hum along and try to forget the heartbreak inside her chest that is beyond repair.

Applying her make up, she stares at her reflection, unable to decide whether she's trying to cover up her insecurities or hide from everyone outside. She decides that maybe when she finds the courage, she will be able to admit to both.

She smacks her lips, putting on another fake smile as she lets out a heavy sigh. Just by looking at her no one can tell that she's broken, no one can see the fragments of her soul slowly dissolving with each moment, trying so desperately to feel something, anything other than the loneliness that seems to be devouring her.

She has been more bitchy than usual, which she didn't even think was possible, but it gets worse. She has found her time consumed by ruining relationships because she can, and isn't that the saddest thing? Ruining someone else's happiness because you're unhappy?

She told everyone about sleeping with Finnocence and went even further as to rubbing it in Rachel's face. Seeing the tears form in Rachel's eyes as if her love had been stolen from her grasp. If she stared long enough she could probably see her shattered heart, a heart that would probably mirror her own. She felt satisfied. If she couldn't be happy than why should anyone else be?

This week she managed to break up Barbie and Ken, which made her feel a little proud, mostly because they were just the perfect couple with their constant smiling and singing to each other. It made her want to vomit. But they weren't as perfect as they had led on since she found the chink in Sam's armor.

Sam was much like herself. He didn't want to be a loser and he didn't want his popularity to drift from his grasp. So using that as ammunition, she sparked the argument. The cheerios were forced to choose between Glee and the squad, of course Quinn being the perfect little angel, she chose Glee. This was her chance to stir the pot. She took the opportunity to tell Sam his popularity would slowly wither away when his girlfriend had no status at the school anymore, and he ate it up like a fresh bag of Doritos.

Sam and Quinn broke up that week, not even Sam's failed attempt at a Justin Bieber song could win Quinn back, which was surprising because Quinn usually liked anything cheesy being sung to her. Before Sam could even decide on his next attempt to win Quinn over, she pounced.

Sam is changing in the locker room after football practice. He hears the other guys whistling and chanting and doesn't think much of it until Santana Lopez is standing in front of him, her eyebrow cocked and a devilish smile across her face. She turns back to glare at the other guys in the locker room, the universal sign around school to leave the perimeter around her. Sam is mostly confused, but he decides to say something anyways, "Well, the girls locker room is over there." He says with a small chuckle. Santana only rolls her eyes and leans closer to him, "No kidding, Sherlock. Maybe if you told better jokes Quinn would still be in your arms" She says with an all too familiar snappiness that Sam didn't seem surprised by.

Sam only looked down. He was a bit hurt, but who wasn't when Santana opened her mouth, "So what do you want anyways, you haven't spoken to me since... like I moved here." It makes her think that maybe she hasn't spoken directly at him, but she sure has spoken of him. In fact everyone has, and it seems Sam is on top of the food chain and of course she wants a piece of that popular meat. "Listen, I know I maybe haven't spoken to you since you moved here but..." She steps even closer to him, the sway of her hips commanding his full attention as she batts her eyes and her fingers slowly trail down his smooth chest, "Trust me we don't need to do any _talking_." If there was one thing Santana did well it was the art of seducing and she thought that Sam would be more than willing to play along since she knew for a fact Quinn never put out, being the typical good christian girl that she was. After all Quinn probably didn't want to take any chances of having another baby, or at least that's what she had concluded.

Surprisingly Sam took a step back, as if he had to be away from her in order to resist her, "Um, I don't think that's a good idea." And as the words leave his lips he sees something in Santana's eyes, something he thinks no one ever has. He saw a fragment of her sadness deep within those brown hues. She didn't seem hurt by his rejection, but she seemed more hurt by the simple idea of loving someone enough to keep fighting for them by resisting temptation. Because Santana didn't do that for Brittany. She left the battle and let wheels take her from her arms, and then she went running back to Puck because at least with Puck she knew there wasn't commitment, but even now Puck had been rejecting her.

She was so broken and lonely and desperate for anyone and Sam could tell. He thinks that anyone could tell if they stared at her long enough because the pieces of her heart were scattered, and even though she put up a tough exterior, when she let her guard down, she was just a girl. She wasn't the queen bitch or the hot cheerleader. She was just a girl, a girl who was subject to heartache, just like everyone else.

He lets out a sigh, "You know you didn't have to get a boob job to get people to notice you... you could just smile and, I don't know, maybe avoid insults." Santana didn't know why Sam was always so nice to her, and by nice she usually meant he didn't partake in calling her a bitch or objectifying her. That was why Quinn probably liked him so much. He was sweet and kind even though he was a bit of a nerd since she did happen to notice he was wearing star wars boxers.

"I didn't get a boob job because I wanted people to notice me." She said with her arms crossed, but a frown forming on her delicate features, "... I got it so that _she_ would notice me." The last part was more of a whisper, but Sam still heard it as her eyes drifted to the floor losing the stone cold look it usually contained. Sam was taken aback by her. Maybe there was more to Santana Lopez than everyone thought there was, and maybe she was so desperate for someone to know who she was that she went straight to the only guy who didn't have a preconceived idea of her... or maybe Santana was just really good at getting what she wanted that she would pretend to be this broken, but he highly doubted that. You just can't fake brokenness.

Later on that week they were officially an item and it was weird for her. Sam held doors open for her, carried her books, held her hand. No one ever did that kind of stuff for her unless of course she screamed at them to, but Sam was genuine and she liked that, even though she would never admit to it. What surprised her even more was that he didn't even have sex with her, and it made her feel wanted, as if he actually liked her for her and not her appearance or status. Maybe he did like her, maybe he just wanted to get to know her the way Brittany knew her, to see the shine in such a dark star.


	2. Quinn

When people call her the queen bitch around school, they have no idea how much truth it really holds. If there was one person who truly did know, it was Quinn Fabray. Santana hated her with a passion that seemed to only ignite the flames of her already insecure life.

Quinn had everything. Quinn had the popular Ken doll boyfriend, while she had the sex shark, Puck. Quinn had friends in Glee and cheerios, while she had only enemies. Quinn had been the eye candy at school, even though she was pregnant, while she had a boob job and people still didn't notice her.

It is easy to see where the hatred stems. She wants everything. She wants to be popular, she wants people to fear her, she wants every guy in school to take a double take, but she never thought she would want Brittany. Brittany has always been hers. She never had to want her, but now things have changed and Brittany isn't dangling against her arm anymore. and it hurts. It hurts knowing she didn't even put up a fight, knowing she wouldn't even come to terms with her jealousy and anger. Instead she hides in the bathroom pretending to fix her makeup. It's pathetic.

Before she could even wallow in her own self pity, the bathroom door swings open, and Quinn walks in, finding comfort in the sink beside the Latina. She applies her mascara as she glances at Santana, who now has her signature glare and crossed arms.

Santana wonders why Quinn isn't mad that she snatched Sam up faster than Puck can pick up on the freshman cheerleaders. Wasn't Quinn angry? Of course being Santana Lopez she hits the subject directly, "Hey preggers, you really don't need that much makeup to look like a whore. I mean, I think the baby you had pretty much covers that." Her words were like daggers aimed straight for Quinn's weak spot, but Quinn just stood there until she finished her make up, then let out a sigh and continued to ignore her.

Santana didn't like being ignored, so she pushed Quinn until the girl faced her, "Listen McKinley High Barbie, aren't you mad? I stole your freaking boyfriend." Quinn's face tensed up as she pushed Santana aside until they were no longer close to each other, "Why would I be angry? You don't love him... not the way you love her." Her words were brief and to the point, and they must have made an impression on Santana because there wasn't a word that came out of her mouth.

Quinn takes another glance at herself in the mirror and heads out the door. As she walks out, she manages to take one more look at the fragile girl, "I think you're losing it, Lopez. I mean preggers was so last year." And with that she was gone. Santana stood there, and only after Quinn was already gone, she managed to whisper something mostly to herself, "I don't love her."

Three days later she breaks up with Sam. She tells everyone it's because he dyes his hair, but really she doesn't deserve him, and Quinn was right, she didn't love him, and she probably never could. But then again who expected her to love anyone. She has begun to think she is incapable of loving.

They are in Glee. Rachel has decided to sing another ballad about heart break as a pathetic attempt to win Finn back, and really it's the Glee club who has to suffer through it. They have heard three renditions of "I'm sorry" by John Denver, and surprisingly Santana hasn't said one comment about Rachel's obsession with rekindling the flame of her lost love. In fact Santana hasn't made many rude comments the last couple days. She has just begun to fade into the background. She sits alone in the last row, no one even notices her. She used to be okay with it as long as Brittany was there, but Brittany hasn't been by her side in weeks. Still she puts on a tough exterior with her arms folded and her signature glare, though she's broken underneath it.

She's been observing everyone lately. It's amazing the things you see from the back row. Like how Finn is always staring at his shoes when Rachel sings. Maybe he thinks if he watches her sing he will remember why he fell in love with her. She could see how Mercedes would look over the empty chair next to her. It was obvious how she missed Kurt so much. Mike and Tina were always sitting together, they hardly said anything, but Mike would look at Tina the way Brittany used to look at her, and she feels her heart sink as Tina only stares at Artie. She almost feels bad for Chang, but relationships are tough, that is partly the reason why Santana Lopez doesn't do relationships.

Then theres Puck who seems mildly interested in Berry's song, but every now and then he will glance at Quinn. She can tell he still loves her but he's just as scared of confrontation as she is. Speaking of Quinn, she thinks Quinn is suffering from something, something internally. She sees how brave Quinn is. How much courage it took to give away a part of herself, Beth. Everyone acts like it never happened, like things didn't change, as if giving up your child was easy. Quinn is broken and maybe that's why she broke up with Sam, because he couldn't understand what she was going through. He thought she cared about her popularity or clothes or simple materialistic things, but she had much bigger problems that were too big for a boy who was really only concerned with his status. But Sam wasn't only concerned with his status, at least through her eyes she didn't see that. Sam was kind, but he was heart broken. He loved Quinn, or at least he was falling in love with her, and she almost pities him for loving a girl who just can't handle another relationship this soon. She wonders if Sam will wait for Quinn, or if he will just move on and find someone else to love. A part of her wishes he would wait. A part of her wishes he wouldn't love another soul until Quinn sorted out her dilemma. She sometimes wishes that Brittany would have waited for her.

She watches Artie and Brittany. How they giggle and smile, and every now and then Brittany will brush her hand against his neck, and it makes her hands curl into fists and her teeth clench. It's her hair she should be twirling, her hand she should be holding.

She misses those blue eyes, and she wonders if Brittany even misses her, if she even cares. God knows she hasn't given her a reason to, but a part of her still wishes that maybe Brittany cared about her, that maybe she knows how broken she is and is planning to piece her back together. She misses hearing the stories about her sneaky cat and arguing over who should win American Idol, but mostly she misses sweet lady kisses and the glimmer in her blue eyes when she holds her hand in the confines of her bedroom. But still she doesn't love her.


	3. Puck

They are in Pucks room when everything goes silent. They know what they came there to do. He was a sex shark and she was a lizard, but today they just sat there unable to even tare the clothing from one another. Today they were just damaged bodies that were empty inside.

Vulnerability. It was something they had both loathed the thought of, something they both had no intention of feeling. So delicate they both were, so weak in their own right. What had become of the both of them? They were supposed to be strong willed, their darker thoughts were supposed to dominate, yet they always found a way to smoothen the road between themselves. Too much at stake to let their guard down, too much to risk to actually feel something. But what good would ignoring do?

She craved the feeling like a bad habit. She needed the blonde in her life, and him he only wanted one girl. Putting on her best bitch face was getting tiring, and she just decided to stop faking it. Hiding the truth behind her little comments, she let the lie take over, the lie that she was okay when really she was eons away from the meaning of the word. She lets out a deep sigh, almost to fill the air with something other than the silence. If their was any sound in the room it would probably be the self hatred of her own breathing and the beat of her heart that continued to work even though it obviously had no reason to anymore.

Puck could tell. He knew something was wrong with her. He wishes he cared about her sometimes. He wishes he could do something to make her smile, but the truth was she didn't want him. She only wanted one person and her name was Brittany.

The silence seemed to be one of the most terrifying sounds he had ever heard, silence was what haunted him. The silence at the hospital when he gave away his child, the silence at school when Quinn didn't even say hi to him as if she had forgotten they had a baby together. Puck's thoughts of Quinn and Beth soon disperse from his head as he feels her hand wrapped in his. He turns to her, but says nothing.

Santana is staring at him and she squeezes his hand a little, almost to convince herself that they aren't just ghosts floating through life without meaning. "It's not the same is it? My hand doesn't fit into yours the way they fit into hers." She says as she stares at the contours of his hand and how rough they are. His knuckles are bruised, probably from throwing kids into the dumpsters. They are nothing like Brittany's, Brittany's soft delicate hands were always kind and loving, and always lingering for skin. Sometimes Brittany would etch the words onto her arm like an imaginary pen, writing simple letters like L-O-V-E.

Puck knows its the truth. He and Santana will never fit together. They were both negative charges attracted to positives. He looks down and he wants to say something, but nothing really needs to be said when they both already know, they already know how much they deserve each other. How even though they don't love each other that they wreak havoc on everyone else around them and that it's just easier this way, it's easier to have this even if it's meaningless.

There only seems to be meaning when she's with Brittany, but maybe it is better this way, maybe she was never any good for the blonde.

Puck squeezes lightly almost assuring her of her own thoughts. With a heavy sigh he looks down, "For you and me, love sucks doesn't it?" He says with a certain truth in his voice that makes her cringe. Puck os in love with Quinn, but sometimes Santana thinks he will never be able to have her because he ruined it the first time, and it was partly her fault. I mean she didn't really have to tempt Puck so much with her sexts. But the very mention of love makes her feel uncomfortable and a little nauseous.

Puck implied that she loved someone, that someone being Brittany, but in her head all Santana could think was,_ I don't love her_


	4. Kurt

They are all at the Dalton Academy for a friendly party to congratulate both teams, but really it means they will be snooping, or at least that's what Rachel told them at the pre-party-to-extract-information-on-the-enemy-but-still-be-friendly-meeting.

Santana doesn't mind, it's not like she has anything better to do. Of course she finds herself alone walking up the stairs of the main room. The school was huge, she even thought about transferring (to bad they don't accept girls). She goes into an empty room and sits down on the couch. She can't stand making small talk with people she will be in competition with, and besides it's not like she would really have anything nice to say anyways. The door opens again and she glances at who it is.

It's Kurt. He walks in and hands her a glass with a tiny umbrella in it, "Don't worry alcohol free." He says with a warm smile, and instead of saying thanks like any normal person would, Santana takes the glass and then shoots a glare at him.

Kurt can see she isn't up for playing nice, "It might not have alcohol, but it sure has a couple shots of bitter in it now." He says seeing how annoyed Santana is by his friendly gesture.

"Well the party's downstairs if you're intrest- Brittany is downstairs if you're interested." He says knowing Brittany would be far more enticing than a party. Santana only sighs, "Right, because watching Brittany wheel around four eyes is just so entertaining." She says, the sarcasm dripping out of her mouth.

Kurt could already tell she wasn't in a good mood. Obviously she had been fighting with Brittany, so he sat down next to her, hoping to console her, whether she was accepting of it or not, "Oh so they really are dating? When Rachel told me over the phone I thought she was feeding me lies so I'd come back to Mckinley. She knows I can't resist that kind of juicy gossip..." After catching himself having an inner monologue about his love for gossip and relationship status' he clears his throat and continues again, "You know Santana, raging jealousy really isn't good for any relationshi-" Suddenly he is cut off by Santana, who stands up, "I'm not a lesbian!" The words were almost shouted, but not enough for the people outside to hear.

Kurt was a bit surprised at her denial and stood up with her, "I didn't say you were one... love shouldn't have labels and it would be obvious to a blind man how infatuated you are with her... you love her and-" He gets cut out again by Santana whose voice becomes shaky, "I don't love her." This time she says it in a whisper as if it was something she couldn't dare say aloud.

Kurt couldn't believe the level of denial Santana was in, but still he continued, "Loving her doesn't make you a lesbian, Santana. And you shouldn't be afraid of it because loving her only makes you human…" His words get to her, maybe if she wasn't so concerned with the labels she would admit to it, but still she refuses.

Kurt walks out of the room and back into the crowded hallway, giving her a hopeful look before leaving her once again, alone. She starts to believe he left her alone not because he didn't want to be a punching bag for her apparent raging jealousy, but so that she could evaluate her feelings for Brittany.

Kurt was a good friend. She wished she could reciprocate the friendship, but at this point she was incapable of doing anything


	5. Brittany

It's been one month, two weeks, and three days since she's been alone with Brittany, not that she's still counting or anything, but the aching in her chest has become unbearable now, and she knows she has to confront the things that scare her the most.

She finds Brittany in the gym after school, practicing some dance moves, luckily she is alone which means she can finally talk to her. She takes a deep breath before walking over to her with her head raised high, looking like the most confident badass cheerleader in school, when inside she was probably the most fragile.

Brittany smiles when she sees her approaching, "Hey San... Did we have Cheerios practice today? Oh god did I miss practice? Is coach Sylvester kicking me off the team? Did she send you to tell me?" Santana didn't know how Brittany's mind always seemed to escalate into the weirdest of thoughts, but she still remembered how to explain things to her, "No, Britt. We didn't have practice today. You're not off the cheerios... I just, you know, came to see you." She said in a softer tone trying to hide the fact she missed her best friend, even though it shouldn't be something she should be ashamed of.

Brittany seemed surprised, as far as she knew Santana was never really interested in staying at school for longer than what was required, but she was happy that her best friend wanted to see her. Santana's face remained in a frown as she crossed her arms once again, "So where's wheels, did he get a flat tire? Or maybe he fell down the stairs again." She said chuckling to herself, mostly because she kinda wished that Artie did fall down the stairs, but she stopped when she saw the sad look on Brittany's face.

"San... why do you have to be mean to him? He's really sweet. He tells me I'm pretty and he holds my hand and walks me to my classes, and sometimes he takes me to Breadstix and we order spaghetti and I roll the meatball towards him... why do you hate him so much?" Santana was overcome with a mixture of anger and sadness as she just pictured them having the greatest relationship, doing all the things she refused to do with her. "I don't hate him. I just think you can do a lot better. I mean he probably can't even drive you to Breadstix. I bet his mom drops you guys off on your dates." Brittany's silence only reassured her, which made her feel even more guilty for saying anything.

Brittany can tell that the subject of her love life isn't exactly something Santana is thrilled about, but she thought that her best friend would at least be happy for her, happy that she has someone who treats her well, "Artie is really nice and I think... I love him." The words pierce right into her soul. How could she love him? how could she even want to be around that loser? Without even processing her thoughts, she just blurts it out, "You can't love him." It sounds more like a demand as it leaves her lips. She stays silent after that.

Brittany's smile fades as she looks down at her shoes, "Why can't I love him, San?" Santana looks down at the floor, unable to even stare at Brittany. Why couldn't Brittany love Artie? Artie seemed to treat her better than half the guys she's been with. She should be happy for her. She should be grateful that if she can't make Brittany happy then at least someone could, but all she could feel was jealousy, "...because he isn't me." She manages to say in a whisper.

Brittany is now staring at her, those blue eyes gleaming as if she is about to burst into tears at any moment. She walks closer to Santana, grabbing her hands and intertwining their fingers, they always fit so perfectly together, "...just tell me you love me." Brittany had never once told Santana to do anything, nothing as serious as this. Her hand squeezed hers so tightly as if by some chance she would flee.

Santana looked up at her. She could see how much Brittany loved her. How she wanted to be with her and not Artie, and it made her feel whole again, as if the pieces of her heart were finally being put back together. She opens her mouth to speak. She wants to tell Brittany how she wanted to hold her close and never let go. How she wants to wipe her tears away and sing any Melissa Etheridge song in her collection. She wants to give her sweet lady kisses up and down her neck and just breathe in her scent. She wants to do all these things but all she did was say four words, four words that Brittany didn't want to hear, "I don't love you." It was harsh and it was cruel, their hands still together as the blonde began to break. The tears rolled down her face as she slowly let go. All the hope she had for them, all the longing and all the love began to drift from her. She slowly untangled her hand from Santana's and wiped away some of her tears as she walked towards the door.

After the echo of the door being shut faded, Santana found herself alone again. Her hands were empty and still longing for Brittany's. All she could do was whisper a few words that were just a little too late now, "...I'm _in_ love with you.


End file.
